Best Of Overheard | The Fatty Talks by Adam Hirsch

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Overheard it Sounds Familiar

Published at August 16, 2007 in Best of Overheard. 0 Comments

Teen: So, this one time I got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving all the Bibles to the ‘Fiction’ section…–74th & Columbus

Five-year-old girl to friend: Listen, Julia, this is probably going to sound really bitchy, but shove it.–FAO Schwartz

Jew: He died for your sins! Bruce Lee died of a questionable overdose of aspirin for your sins!–Central Park

Lady suit: Trevor is one of those ‘close talkers.’ He’s got to respect my personal space because his breath always smells like pussy.–C train, 14th St

Subway hawker with huge sign: Subway! Eat fresh! [Hot girl walks by] Hey, baby, you lookin’ good! Don’t you just walk away like that… You need to shave your legs, girl. Subway! Eat fresh!–39th & 8th

Wooo(T)! to Overheard (in NY)…

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Overheard Female New Yorkers are Smart

Published at August 12, 2007 in Best of Overheard. 0 Comments

Little girl: Guess what I’m wearing?
Mom’s friend: What?
Little girl: Underwear! –Bagel Boys

Lady hobo: Hey, y’all, I’m homeless and I’m three months pregnant, and I’m looking for some help from the people of this train, so if anybody got some money they want to give, please help me take care of my baby.
College girl with change: I’ll give you this money if you’re saving up for an abortion.
Lady hobo: What? Nooo, I’m keeepin’ my baby.
College girl, putting change away: Okay, then.
Lady hobo: Wait, what? –F train

Man: You got the prettiest laugh I’ve ever heard!
Pretty girl: Aw…
Man: If you pee on me, I’ll let you laugh a lot more!
Pretty girl: Oh. I was going to say that was the sweetest catcall I’ve ever heard, but then…–Mulberry & Spring

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Overheard New Yorkers have Good Ideas

Published at August 7, 2007 in Best of Overheard. 0 Comments

JAP: Wait… So, does that mean I was pregnant?Bloomingdales

Yuppie #1: Somebody had better shut that kid up.
Yuppie #2: Someone should tell that woman to control her child.
Yuppie #3, across train: Would somebody please tell that woman to shake her baby?!–Very crowded R train

Chick #1: Didn’t you wear that yesterday?
Chick #2: Yeah, but I didn’t sleep at home last night.
Chick #1: You stayed at your boy’s place? You’ve been dating forever! Don’t you keep clothing there?
Chick #2: I do, but I was fucking my boss. I need a raise.
Chick #1: I did that once, and it so worked.–1 train

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Overheard it’s Time for A Change

Published at August 2, 2007 in Best of Overheard. 0 Comments

The Best of Overheard in the Office

Boss: I don’t produce much chest hair, but if I did, I would tend to it like a gardener tends to a beautiful tomato. — Waltham, Massachusetts

HR clerk: Excuse me, ma’am, but it appears that you have something stuck in your pantyhose on your left leg.
Visiting manager’s wife: I’m not wearing pantyhose! — Pearl, Mississippi

English coworker: I’m just going outside to suck on a fag. –Irvine, California

Cube dweller #1, complaining about printer repair guy: No one can understand what he’s saying! He’s completely tone deaf!
Cube dweller #2: Well, he’s… deaf. He reads lips.
Cube dweller #1: Oh, yeah. –Washington, DC

Lady peon to males making farting noises: Please! I am on the phone with my dad! [Into phone] No, they’re your age! –Burbank, California

Boss: I don’t know why he’s so moody.
Employee: I know! I think he’s bipolar.
Boss: No, I don’t think he even likes the cold. — Imperial, Pennsylvania

The Best of Overheard Celebrity Wit

Mo’Nique: F-A-T means ‘fabulous and thick,’ ‘full and tasty,’ ‘fluffy and tender.’

George W. Bush, looking at map of Brazil: Wow, Brazil is big.

Hillary Duff: I’m not, like, a crazy feminist. I think women definitely need men. Like, I couldn’t imagine having a girlfriend!

John Mayer: I want a guide dog. I’m an asshole like that.

Britney Spears: I no longer study Kaballah… My baby is my religion.

George Clooney: If I were as famous as some of those kids who are on the magazines right now at 21 years old, I’d be shooting crack under my eyeball.

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Overheard That was Not Me

Published at August 1, 2007 in Best of Overheard. 0 Comments

Mom: So, you’re gay, right?
Son: No, Mom, I’m not gay.
Mom: Yes, you are. I’ve seen your clothes.
Son: All the guys wear these.
Mom: All the gay ones, maybe.
Son: Go away.
Mom: If you were straight, you wouldn’t have cried so much after you were pushed out of my vagina.
Son: Actually, I think that proves my straightness. No straight guy could look at your cunt and not cry–6 train

20-ish WASP in fur coat on cell: Don’t you have a bowl? [Sigh] Do you have a bottle of tonic or, like, an apple or a traffic cone? Well, I’m sure there is something in your apartment I can make a bong out of.
80-ish Jewish woman: That’s an inappropriate conversation if I ever heard one…
20-ish WASP in fur coat: Whatever, that was my boss.–Elevator, 62nd & 2nd

Hipster girl, addressing iPhone campers: You’re waiting for a phone?! I can understand if it was for cupcakes…–Prince & Greene

Chick yelling out window of hybrid SUV: I’m a better driver than you, and I’m texting at the same time!–Westside Hwy

I Overheard I love Overheard in New York…

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Overheard that Homeless People are Funny

Published at July 25, 2007 in Best of Overheard. 0 Comments

Tourist in crowd waiting for crosswalk: [Sneezes.]
Suit: Shut the fuck up!–47th & 6th

Woman on cell: What the hell is this? E’ry bitch in here got somebody else baby! Black ladies got white babies. White ladies got Chinese babies. Is this Take-somebody-else-baby-to-the-park Day? Shit, I wish somebody woulda took mines!–Madison Square Park

Old man on cell: Okay, well, I’m going to let you go. I’m seeing Spring Awakening, and I have to get settled and take my clothes off before the show starts.–Eugene O’Neill Theater

Banker: Hermione better nude up for the next Harry Potter.–60 Wall St

Chick: You know that hobo asking for a motorcycle? He now wants dinner in the Hamptons.–79th & Broadway

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Overheard I Feel like Fucking Harry Potter

Published at July 19, 2007 in Best of Overheard. 0 Comments

Suit on cell: Yeah, it was definitely a fucking adventure alright… I feel like fucking Harry Potter.–Port Authority

Basketball thug: Yo, my mama’s breasts smell like rusty pickles!–Columbus Park, by City Hall

Hobo leaning over and talking to squirrels: Why are you a squirrel?! Why?!–Washington Square Park

Lawyer on cell: I have so many arch-nemeses…–Law firm lobby, Midtown

Girl: I think that dog is staring at me…
Guy: Don’t flatter yourself.–Washington Square dog park

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Overheard New Yorkers are Ugly

Published at July 16, 2007 in Best of Overheard. 0 Comments

Four-year-old boy: Mommy, why don’t nobody look at each other on the train?
Mother: ‘Cause they ugly.–G train

UES girl, after passing dog walker: Mommy, that man has a lot of dogs!
UES mom: Yes, he does, because he walks them for other people.
UES girl: Why?
UES mom: Because people who live here are too lazy and rich to do it themselves, honey.
UES girl: Oh… Mommy, can I be lazy and rich someday?
UES mom: Of course, honey.–E 70th & Park

Girl #1: I’d totally teabag him! Wait, what’s the female equivalent of teabag?
Girls #2 & #3: Hmmm…
Queer #1: I dunno — what do you call it when someone dangles lunch meat in your face?
Queer #2: Roast beef curtains?
Girls: Ewww!
Queer #1: No, no, wait! It’s a cold cut swipe!
Everyone: Ewww!–JFK

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Overheard New Yorkers are Idiots

Published at July 11, 2007 in Best of Overheard. 0 Comments

Black lady to coworker: Girl, I got me a real bad paper cut this afternoon. Hurt like a bitch! I swears, a real bad paper cut hurts more than actually being stabbed.–M3 bus
Chick on cell: I can’t decide if I want to fuck you or push you into oncoming traffic on the BQE –51st & Lex

Lady to dude: The problem with being an idealist is that everyone else in the world is stupid.–Housing Works bookstore

Loud broad on cell: You’re such an idiot! How could you be such an idiot?! That is idiotic… I can’t believe you are that much of an idiot… [Continues for minutes, then] Fine, Mom! I’ll speak to you soon.–Train from Stamford

Kid to another: No, really. I’m telling you — Michael Jackson used to be black. I saw it on TV.–B61 bus, Brooklyn

Hispanic teen #1: Yo, man, I was with this girl last night, and she was dressed all naked and shit, man.
Hispanic teen #2: Word? She was dressed all naked?
Hispanic teen #1: [Nods.]
Hispanic teen #3: Word?–Houston & Washington

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Overheard none of these Bitches have a Wii

Published at July 9, 2007 in Best of Overheard. 0 Comments

Dude: Is there a frog in here?
Chick: Sorry, I tooted.–A train

Chick, to loudly burping friend: Oh my god, did you seriously just burp out loud in Bergdorf’s? Who are you?!–Bergdorf’s

Conductor: Please sit up.
Bag lady lying across several seats, staring at lights: Why won’t everyone leave me alone? [Begins loud, incoherent screaming.]
Conductor, backing away slowly: Okay, never mind.
Bag lady, to passenger: So, I tied him up. I gave him a Viagra, and I rode him for seven hours. And that’s why I look like this.–A train

Loud girl: Ugh! It smells like vagina in here!
Embarrassed friend: Shhh! You’re so loud!
Loud girl: No, seriously. It fucking smells on this train. It smells like a big, sweaty fucking vagina.
Embarrassed friend: It’s not that bad.
Loud girl: Yes, yes it is. Those train doors are the hole, and now we’re standing in a loose, flappy, smelly vagina.–6 train

Oh, Overheardinnewyork.com, why must you remind me how disgusting everybody is?

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