Woman passerby: Come on, you fucking tourists! Get a life! It’s only a fucking cupcake!
Girl in line, mockingly: Oh my god, you’re making such an important social statement!
Old lady in line: Seriously, it’s not our fault she’s a fat bitch.–Magnolia Bakery, Bleecker St
Continue Reading Overheard New Yorkers are Funny
Cashier: In 20 minutes I can go home… Go home and play some video games.
Middle-aged lady customer: Yay!
Cashier: Either that or drink.
Middle-aged lady customer: Why not both?
Cashier: Well, then my mom will yell at me in the morning.–Douglaston Waldbaum’s, Queens
Continue Reading Overheard New Yorkers are Losers
Drunken cheerleader to fat friend: We’re the hottest non-lesbian girl couple ever.–68th & Lex
JAP: He asked me to rub his chest hair. I was like, ‘Can I braid your chest hair, put little beads on it and make it shimmy so I can pretend I’m on vacation?’–6 train
Drunk girl: I’m not a whore. I just like to have my crotch touched.–Mercury Lounge, LES
20-ish girl: You would rather I put where I pee in where you shit?!
Gay teen: Yes, oh god, yes! It is better than putting where I pee in something that you bleed, pee, and have babies come out of!–Outside the Met
Don’t forget to read the past Best of Overheard in New York posts!!!
Black girl: Hey, mister, can we pet your dog?
Tough guy with groomed white poodle on leash: Sure.
Black girl to friend: See, that’s what a poodle looks like when a white man owns it.–10th & Christopher
Woman: Do you wanna go into those bushes and do it?
Man: Nah, we always fuck in Central Park. Let’s go to Washington Square.
Woman: Fine, but you have to buy me a funnel cake later.–Central Park
Punk girl: He doesn’t look Jewish.
Punk boy: He’s not, he’s Catholic… A real pope-fucker.–Rivington & Ludlow
Continue Reading Overheard in New York Labor Day is Over
Be sure to check out all of my Best of Overheard in New York category…
Daughter: Belle looks so beautiful.
Dad: I think you’re mom is prettier.
Mom: Oh, thanks, honey.
Guy behind them: Someone wants to get laid tonight.–Beauty and the Beast showing
Man: Come on, baby, come back to my place!
Woman: Nah, the last time I went over to your place you stabbed me!
Man: Baby, that was four years ago!–F train, Roosevelt Island
Teen boy: Your wife’s a bitch, you know that?
Man: My wife is your mother!
Teen boy: Well, I’m just saying.–Broadway
20-ish girl: Is this the line for the park?–Line for Neue Gallery, 85th & Madison
JAP on cell: Ummm… Some crazy lady just threw her coffee all over my legs. You don’t think I’ll get AIDS, do you?–Penn Station
Chick to doughnut: Don’t go to my stomach, okay? Just go to my titties.–125th & Broadway
Man on cell: Don’t call her a prostitute! That’s my mom you’re talking about. You lived with her — was she a prostitute then? No, she was not!–92nd & 1st
Mom to teen daughter: This is a very interesting place. It kind of has a European feel. –Au Bon Pain, 8th St
Chubs: Restaurant week is like Hanukkah for us fatties!–Little West 12th & 9th
Overheard in New York – Have A Great Labor Day Weekend!
Gaggle of drunk women to friend with tiara: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!
Wasted stranger dude: Happy biiirthday, dear whoever-the-fuck-you-are!–C train
Bimbette: Look, it’s not like I mind tall, dark, and handsome, but it’s like, ‘Look at me — I’m hot… I should be able to nab a nerd.’
Friend: Nerds aren’t like shoes — you can’t just try them on for size. They have feelings, too.
Bimbette: And glasses.–34th & Lex
Tourist: Could you give us directions to Olive Garden?
NYer: No, but I could give you directions to an actual Italian restaurant.–23th & 5th
Dude on motorcycle handing rose to girl: A beautiful rose for a beautiful lady.
Girl: Ew. –W 4th St
Oddly enough, my Best of Overheard today is all from today’s posts…
Guy: Do you know how a penis works?
Chick: Yeah, but they are usually in my mouth.–Houston St
Newspaper guy: Read all about it: girl passing me right now has holes in her jeans.
Girl with holy jeans: They’re made like that, asshole.–Port Authority
Hipster dude: … And she ended up renting some movie about Madame Curie.
Hipster chick: That’s the wax lady, right? Over at Times Square? I didn’t know there was a movie about her.
Hipster dude: I hate you.–Union Square
Frat boy #1: Dude, you got really skinny. What’s going on with you? Are you sick or something?
Frat boy #2: Yeah, bro, I have IBS — Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Frat boy #1: You shittin’ me!–91st & 1st
Hoochie: He thought I was boring because I wouldn’t blow him.–34th & 6th
Man to friend: I wonder if that dingleberry fell out of my ass yet.–Rockefeller Center
Girl on cell: All I heard all night was, ‘Oh my god, that’s Rachel. I used to date her sister’s roommate!’ And, ‘Oh my god, that’s Evan. Her brother went to camp with my ex-girlfriend’s cousin!’ I’m either gonna have to learn how to fake-play Jewish geography, or find myself some non-Jewish friends… Yes, I realize neither of those is possible.–33rd & 7th
Chick to another: She’s a weed-smoking, modern orthodox girl. I mean, I don’t think she goes to her rabbi’s high, but…–Brooklyn Museum
AND This is what I Overheard in my elevator at work:
Big Black Guy in Elevator (on Cell): Shit girl, you just bein’ paranoid. White people aren’t out to get you…. Nah… You bein’ paranoid… nah, the only people I hate are Fat people. — My Office Building’s Elevator!
Teen #1: We are going to 34th Street.
Teen #2: That’s on 42nd, right?
Teen #1: Oh, you are so stupid.–1 train
Little boy tugging on mom’s arm: Mommy, why are we here?
Mom: Because everything’s organic, sweetie.
Little boy, excitedly: I love organic!–Trader Joe’s, Union Square
Suit, embarrassed after tapping man on shoulder: … Sorry, I thought I knew you [starts to walk away].
Man he tapped: I’m your cousin!–New York Public Library
NYU professor: So, you don’t know who Robin Hood is or who the three little piggies are? Really? Where did you grow up?
Student: The Bronx.–Politics class, NYU
Chick #1: You should totally invite your brother to Amsterdam.
Chick #2: Can’t — my brother gave up pot to impregnate his wife.–Bowlmor Lanes
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