Mom to infant waving bottle around: What the fuck? Are you fucking out of your mind?!–Manhattan-bound Q train

Bimbette #1: So then I got a text from him this morning [shows friend text message]. I mean, who forgets if they have sex?
Bimbette #2: Haha… There’s not even a ‘hello’ or punctuation… Just ‘Did we have sex.’
Bimbette #1: I know!
Bimbette #2: Well, did you?
Bimbette #1: I’m not sure…–Central Park

Little boy pointing at mannequins: Bitch!
Mother: Hey! Didn’t I tell you not to say that word? It’s a bad word!
Little boy: That’s not fair! You never yell at Daddy when he says that to you!–Macy’s, Herald Square

Man, slamming on hood of taxi inching forward: Hey! I’m walkin’ here! [Turns to people behind him] Where’s that from?
Lady passerby: Midnight Cowboy!–50th & Broadway

Thug: Yo, I just watched a white kid get tasered on the news last night, and I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah, get him!’–181st & St. Nicholas

Lady: Oh my god, I’ve heard this song before!
Patron: It’s all ABBA music, jackass.–Mamma Mia, Winter Garden Theatre

Queer #1: So, whatever happened with you and the dude who looked like Bill Nye the Science Guy?
Queer #2: I gave him a ride home, and then he gave me head in his driveway.
Queer #1: Shut up!
Queer #2: I know!
Queer #1: Science rules.–NYU

Girl: Do you wanna do ’shrooms with me?
Guy: No way, man. I don’t do drugs.
Girl: But drugs are awesome!
Guy: How about this — since there’s nothing more awesome than you, you can be my drug.
Girl: And then you can do me!
Guy: Okay… Well, that’s not really where I was going with that, but alright.
Girl: Wow, shows you where my head is at.–86th & Broadway

Teenybopper #1: … So then they started singing ‘Hava Nagila,’ and they lifted her up in the chair and she fell off!
Teenybopper #2: Wait, I’m confused. What’s a Hava Nagila?
Teenybopper #1: It’s like this cultural Jewish song. It’s like the ‘Cotton-eyed Joe’ for Jewish people.–68th & Broadway

Suit with girlfriend to benched hobo: ‘Scuse me — mind if I borrow one of your cigarettes?
Hobo: Well, all I’ve got are these Winstons…
Suit: Beggars can’t be choosers.
Hobo: Yeah, tell me about it.–Smith & Dean

Foreign tourist: Do you know if this train goes to Madison Square Garden?
MTA worker: Madison Square Garden? Whaaat? No… Madison Square Garden is in New York City. You’re in the wrong city, guys. [Foreign tourists look at each other, panicking.] Must have taken the wrong train gettin’ here, huh?
Foreign tourists hesitate, then run to catch up to MTA worker: How do we get back to New York?!–Whitehall station

Girl: But what if he doesn’t want to have sex with me?
Male friend: Oh, please. Banging exes is like the number two national pastime to baseball.–6 train

Sketchy doctor: I Google everything! I treat my patients with Google.–Mt. Sinai School of Medicine, 98th & Madison

Stoner #1: Man, this is an awesome place to come and get stoned.
Stoner #2: Dude, totally. This is what John Lennon was all about.
Actual Lennon fan nearby: Shut the fuck up! This is sacred land! Do not make me get Yoko Ono to fuck you two up!
Stoner #1: Geez, calm down.
Stoner #2: Seriously. Like, give peace a chance or whatever.–Strawberry Fields, Central Park

Jamaican nanny on cell: Girl, I just got back from a four day vacation. Where? My bed. We fucked nonstop for four days like dogs. I couldn’t even get out to take a shit.
Mother: Excuse me, there are children around.
Jamaican nanny: Fuck the children!–Food Emporium, UWS

British art guy: You know what I love about Americans?
American art guy: What’s that?
British art guy: When I say the word ‘fag,’ they think I’m talking about smoking and not being homophobic. Even if I say, ‘I want to ass-fuck that fag,’ I can get away with it because I’m British. –Soho

20-something girl: Seriously, I love it when guys cum on my face.
20-something guy: Really?
20-something girl: Yeah, you can ask anyone. –Greenpoint Ave & Manhattan Ave

Suit: Hey, do you have a light?
Polite Englishman: Sorry, I don’t smoke.
Suit: I asked for a light, not your fucking life story. –Times Square

Guy to girl: I never hooked up when I was blacked out.
Hobo: You never blacked out from liquor?! I’m about to!–23rd & 2^nd

Angry girl: What do you mean you didn’t fuck up?
Boyfriend: I didn’t fuck up!
Angry girl: You got a stripper pregnant! You fucked up!–Sandwich shop, Bleecker

20-ish girl seeing group of orthodox Jews walk by: Hey, look at all those Amish people! Oh, wait, are they Amish or acidic Jews?–8th & Bedford

Frat boy #1: Dude, I grabbed six asses last night, but three of them caught me.
Frat boy #2: I only grabbed three asses, but one of them was hot!–R train

Little boy: Mommy! Mommy! Can we make our own baby tomorrow?
Flustered mom: What? No. What are you talking about?
Little boy: Can we make a baby? Please! Can we please make a baby?
Flustered mom: We’re not making a baby. Not tomorrow or any other day. No more babies. Ever.–Century 21

Girl maker-outer, pulling away: Why you so ugly?
Guy maker-outer: Don’t you worry ’bout that, baby. [They continue making out.]–F train

JAP: There’s a smelly girl sitting next to me… Why don’t people like taking showers?
Hipster: Maybe she’s organic… We have this lady that’s organic here. I try to stay away from her. And not because she smells… Because I’m a carnivore.–Chelsea

Tourist girl #1: Oh, yeah, I totally remember this spot.
Tourist girl #2: Yeah, this is the exact spot we got robbed last time we were here.–Hard Rock Café, 43rd & Broadway

Chick with camera: I am gonna Flickr the fuck out of you!–Burp Castle, 7th & 2^nd

Dad: A geek is someone ugly but very smart.
Six-year-old son: Ugly, but very smart…
Dad: Actually, a geek is really someone in the circus that bites the heads off of chickens.–75th & Roosevelt, Jackson Heights

Creepster #1: So, I wrote her an e-mail that said, ‘Your titties look really nice. They look really succulent.’
Creepster #2: You wrote ’succulent’?
Creepster #1: Yeah, I said, ‘Your titties look succulent in photo number five.’
Creepster #2: That’s fucked up.
Creepster #1: I know, but…–Union & Smith, Brooklyn

Chick: He gave me a laptop for my birthday… And we haven’t even had sex yet!–Sol y Sombra

Tree-hugger #1: So, this dumb girl didn’t even know what the ACLU was…
Tree-hugger #2: Did you take her outside and shoot her?–33rd & 5th

Hot chick on cell: Important question: Which is more painful, cum in your eye, or Caesar salad dressing in your eye?–Columbia University

Visit Overheard in New York for thousands more…

Freshman #1: Let’s not kid ourselves — the men who shop at Sears do not care what the underwear looks like on other men.
Freshman #2: Sears catalogs are only for straight boys in North Dakota to masturbate to.
Freshman #1: In North Dakota, even the Internet has no porn.–F train

Man: Excuse me, but that kid’s screaming is ruining my museum experience.
Dad pushing stroller with shrieker inside: Listen, pal, she’s two years old–
Man: –So why did you bring her?!–Ancient Near East Galleries, the Met

Lady with disposable camera prominently featuring ‘Flash’ label: Does this camera have a flash?
Employee, to cashier: Does this have a flash?
Cashier, not looking: Yes.
Employee: This has a flash.
Lady: Are you sure? [To her mother] I hope this has a flash.–CVS, Kings Hwy & Nostrand Ave, Brooklyn

Dude: So, did you ever wear a condom in Haiti?
World traveler guy: No.
Dude: Were you scared?–St. Mark’s & 2nd Ave

Tourist: Tall? That is not a tall coffee — that is small!
Local chick: Well, that’s why they call it ‘tall,’ so you don’t think it’s small.–Starbucks, Wall St & Broadway

Bimbette #1: So, I think I know what my problem is…
Bimbette #2: Oh, yeah? What’s that?
Bimbette #1: I think my underwear is on backwards.–8th & 5th

Yuppie to toddler sitting on friend’s lap: … And the benefit of wearing Nike clothing is that it’s made by children not much older than you.–Central Park

Hot chick on cell, sadly: I finished the new Harry Potter… It was good, but now I just feel so empty inside.–Penn Station

Hot chick: Oh, you live on Amsterdam? I used to live on Amsterdam. I threw a bowl of diarrhea out of my window once. Don’t do drugs!–27th & 30th, Astoria

Freshman #1: Oh, look, there’s Joe*. Does he still do cocaine?
Freshman #2, whispering: Well, no. But now he lives on caffeine pills… [Then, more dramatically] And Mountain Dew.
Freshman #1, gasping: Oh my god!–Columbia dorm

Asian mom to child in stroller: You feel trapped? Well, so do I. Now you know how I feel.–51st & 3^rd

Woman with wailing baby: God, I wish I was high — you would be so funny right now!–V train

Lady #1: The doctor has me on all kinds of medication for my STD.
Lady #2: Oh?
Daughter of lady #1: Mom, for the last time, it’s ‘SVT,’ not ‘STD.’ You have a heart condition, not a sexually transmitted disease.
Lady #1: Shit, I really have to stop getting those two things mixed up!–E train

Woman #1: Mark said that it smelled like you crapped your pants out there.
Woman #2: It did smell really bad at the bar.
Woman #1: But Mark said it smelled like you crapped your pants.
Woman #2: That I crapped my pants? Why would he say that about me? Oh my god, I hope he doesn’t think that about me.
Woman #1: No, I don’t think he does.
Woman #2: Then why would he say that? God, going out is so hard.
Woman #1: Let’s go home by two tonight.–Bar, 89th & 3rd

Orthodox man #1, seeing man walk by dressed as Jesus: Jesus! [He and his posse begin to chase Jesus.]
Orthodox man #2: You are not the son of God!–Washington Square Park

Chick #1 on cell: I mean, have you ever shaved your pussy and then a couple of nights later you can’t sleep because it itches so bad?
Chick #2: Um, hello, we can all hear you.
Chick #1 to #2: Well, has it ever happened to you?
Chick #2: Well, yeah, but I don’t tell the whole subway.–F train

Woman smoking outside bar: That’s what I love about City College – we’re all geniuses at City College!–238th St, Riverdale, Bronx

Girl #1: I’m living the good life.
Girl #2: No, you’re not! You just sit around eating pie all day.–The Bowery

Suit #1: Arrrgh! I always wanted a pirate party… Make ye walk the plank.
Suit #2: Yeah, that would’ve been cool. What about a princess party? I don’t understand why only girls got those…
Suit #1: Arrrgh, matey. No kidding.–Cafe Metro, 39th & 7th

Girlfriend #1: What you got is real love. That nigga’s jumpin’ off balconies, gettin’ a tattoo…
Girlfriend #2: That don’t mean nothin’. Your father got 15 bitches’ names on him.
Girlfriend #1: Bitch, he loves you!–A train

Chick #1: Hey, you ever been with a guy and then his mom calls, and he, like, picks up?
Chick #2: You mean during sex?!
Chick #1: Yeah.
Chick #2: Hell no!
Chick #1: So, you’ve never been with a Jewish guy, then?–G train

Two-year-old boy, looking at dollar bill: Mama, is this Jesus on the money?
Mother: Well, sort of. He was like Jesus for America.–Times Square

Mom: I’m gonna throw you in the garbage! You’re driving me crazy!
Toddler slung over her shoulder: No, Ma! Don’t throw me in the garbage!
Mom: Then stop driving me crazy!–Near Echo Food, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn

Don’t forget to read the past Best of Overheard in New York posts!!!

Bimbette #1: Wait, I have to figure out where I am.
Bimbette #2: You are at Broadway and Houston.
Bimbette #1: No, I mean metaphysically…–Broadway & Houston

Bearded motorcyclist, after being cut off: Hey, fucker!
Meek guy in Honda, out window: Sorry, sir.–15th St & West Side Hwy

Female barista, scrubbing floor boards: I hate doing clean sweep ’cause I get all sweaty… Especially in my butt crack.
Male barista: You should employ the butt tissue. Just slip a paper towel in there at the start of the shift, and then just toss it at the end.
Female barista: I already do that.
Customer: Now that’s legendary service.–Starbucks, 67th & Queens

JAP: He asked me to rub his chest hair. I was like, ‘Can I braid your chest hair, put little beads on it and make it shimmy so I can pretend I’m on vacation?’–6 train

Drunk girl: I’m not a whore. I just like to have my crotch touched.–Mercury Lounge, LES

20-ish girl: You would rather I put where I pee in where you shit?!
Gay teen: Yes, oh god, yes! It is better than putting where I pee in something that you bleed, pee, and have babies come out of!–Outside the Met

Don’t forget to read the past Best of Overheard in New York posts!!!

Woman: Do you wanna go into those bushes and do it?
Man: Nah, we always fuck in Central Park. Let’s go to Washington Square.
Woman: Fine, but you have to buy me a funnel cake later.–Central Park

Punk girl: He doesn’t look Jewish.
Punk boy: He’s not, he’s Catholic… A real pope-fucker.–Rivington & Ludlow

Man #1 eating ice cream: Man, this tastes just like pussy.
Man #2: Shit, son… Share!–42nd & 7th

Lady #1: My god, look at you! Just had a baby and you’re so skinny!
Lady #2: Well, I don’t eat anything.–Hearst Cafeteria

Chick with headset directing sidewalk traffic: Excuse me. Please cross the street here… You can’t pass here…
20-ish chick: What are you guys filming?
Chick with headset: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.
20-ish chick: Hahaha! That shit sucks! Hahaha!–E 8th St & University Pl

Girl: I always get suspicious when I see hot, thin moms with fat little daughters, because you know they’re making them fat so that they don’t turn out hotter than them.
Guy: What?
Girl: I’m serious, I’ve seen it happen! You know that’s what Christine’s mom did to her.–E train

Daughter: Belle looks so beautiful.
Dad: I think you’re mom is prettier.
Mom: Oh, thanks, honey.
Guy behind them: Someone wants to get laid tonight.–Beauty and the Beast showing

Man: Come on, baby, come back to my place!
Woman: Nah, the last time I went over to your place you stabbed me!
Man: Baby, that was four years ago!–F train, Roosevelt Island

Teen boy: Your wife’s a bitch, you know that?
Man: My wife is your mother!
Teen boy: Well, I’m just saying.–Broadway